The more i think, the more i see, the monster i feared twas nothing but me

its like this : i am my own worst enemy. in everything i do. i'm my own worst critic, i HATE anything that i make after i create it. when i go out, whatever i wear MUST be something i love because i'll hate myself if not by the end of the day. i think i have a nervous disorder because things always have to be a certain way or i'll feel weird.

in relationships, i just can't. *words gone* the most recent relationship i was in... *doesnt write anything*

i dont like feeling. i like... no i love detachment. i relish in it. it makes everything in life easier. i cant be attached to anything. the world isnt mine to have and i realize this now. i realized this at sixteen. g*d, i'm so fucking young. but anyways... if you watch the avatar or know anything about buddhism you know that the first thing you learn is that life is pain. in order to find enlightenment you must detach yourself from worldly things.

right now, i'm learning about wars. revolutions. death. blood. gore. its... enlightening. when you can put everything you have ever learned on a time line, and know all that that was happening at that time... i'm at a place in my life where i am at a fork in the road.

i can go right, or i can go left .

and i have no one to talk to. to help me. i dont blame anyone. i dont want to.

i'm at a point where i need to change. i need to learn. i need to become a better person. this is the time. i know it is.

i think. i speak. i am.

*delete.*

things are the way they are for a reason i believe. i'm not trying to force anything at this point. i am going to let life take its course. let things happen. as much as i need to feel in control of my own life at this point, its not my time yet. i know it. i love. i have love. i am loving.

life is going . (i still think you possum) i think this next six month is where i grow. maybe not with him as i had planned. not with my friends, but by myself the way things are supposed to be.

this is my growth period. you came to soon *term of endearment omitted*. this is where i let go of childish things and i live. i live. i love. my life.

i think i'll go... pray now. i think thats probably why this is happening. its not all about the opportunities that i'm leaving. its about me becoming the person God needs me to be so i can save the world.

< / V E N T >

i love you all. bye xxx